HI I'm Daisy

Today, it's been three years and three days since. I'm not really feeling despair, but I'm just kinda feeling dejected about it being so long.

Hey blog, 'sup? Not too much new here. Last weekend I took in a bit of poetry and book readings (all together good) and a concert by my buddy Clinton St. John (http://www.myspace.com/thecapemay except he was solo that night). Afterward, I snagged a couple bottles of beer and made my way to the Distillery while chatting up the bartender on the way. Other than that, I've just been reading, working, and playing the occasional game or two. Not to mention I acquired Crossover Games for my Mac through er... dubious ways, so that means I can game on Steam again if nothing else. There's a horror adventure game I'm interested in called Scratches that I'd like to get, so I just have to jump on a torrent for that one.

So I figure I should try to get together with one of my friends for Saturday or Sunday night, but when I look at my speed dial, I get the paranoid feeling that they don't really want to talk to me and will just say they can't make it. I'm pretty sure it's all in my head, and I might want to plan a little further ahead like I did last time. Me awkward? Naaaaahhhhhhh.

I guess I don't really thing as hard as I used to about what I post on the internet now. What with twitter and the facebook, I only put things down for one or two lines. I gotta wonder what'd happen if I actually full blown blogged more. I guess I'd file it away with my other resolutions like exercise more aside from biking. It really would be a good idea to get my creative juices flowing again after so long. I used to be chock full of ideas for blog posts, stories, etc. It's almost as if a piece of me has died.

Either way, I'm looking forward to sandal shopping, riding my bike around while sandal shopping, picking up tickets for Calgary Folk Fest(Kid Koala, Michal Franti & Spearhead, and Chad Van Gaalen are on the bill with many others. Joy!), and whatever else may come my way. It's either all that, or put in my application for CIS at Mount Royal (yes, I still need to do that).

Anyway, that's all I got. I'm gonna try to pay more attention to you, blog. I figure the writing will at least exercise my mind a little bit, and maybe I can start writing stories and songs again. Peace.

Here in Calgary, we have a little festival called Sled Island where bands from all over converge to play shows all over town. 2008 was a blast seeing such groups as Women, Basketball, Of Montreal, Azeda Booth, Fucked Up, Mogwai, Wire, and so forth. This year's line up is enormous, with 200 groups (http://www.sledisland.com/bands.html), as well as comedy shows, movies, and art exhibits. We've got Biz Markie, Andrew WK, Dieselboy, The Evaporators, SNFU, and so on this time around, and it's going to be a hell of a blast........is what I would be saying if it wasn't for the fact that my cousin's graduation in Saskatchewan is the same god damn week. I think I'm going to want to drink VERY HEAVILY in 2 weeks.

Well, first I overslept yet again and ended up and hour late for math class. After class ends, the date I had ended up being a no show because I didn't think to get the details hammered out with her yesterday. She isn't answering her phone, is likely very pissed at me, and so I had to leave a voicemail apologizing profusely and essentially begging that she'll still let me see her.

After a lunch of ramen (at home with a table for 1) and talking with my dad about potential jobs in Red Deer, I was browsing craigslist and monster for jobs other than gas station monkey and found the pickings to be kind of slim.

Left for work 10 minutes late, and still made it a half hour early. Shift went fine until between 10 and midnight when I had people coming nonstop and I couldn't close up the store. One plus though was that my cab came really quick on a friday night. To counter that with a minus though, the road to take the exit onto macleod trail and shoot straight to home was closed off due a crash with one car flipped over from what I saw. So we had to detour and my fare was an extra 7 dollars. Coincidentally, I also took out an extra 5 bucks for cab fare to get a ride down to the beer store. I had enough for fare and an 80 cent tip.

I don't know if this is karmic backlash, or the averages finally converged on the worse end of things, but I need whiskey and/or lots of beer.

It's been a while since I updated this, and I want to get this in one fell swoop instead of 5 twitter posts.

Spring Semester is starting on Monday. It's one class with 12 hours of class time a week, not including any extra time I spend in the math lab. I hope it'll work out better this time considering the Liberty Lounge won't be open on campus this time. Also, the Computer Science University Transfer program is being phased out. I'll have to go into CIS and modify my courses so I can still transfer to U of C for CS. Some days, I consider just taking another shot at Journalism, or even an English/Creative Writing degree. It wouldn't get me much and I'd probably have to go to grad school, but I know it's something I want to learn.

I'm considering quitting my gas station job so I don't have to work late nights on weekends anymore. I already take a shift or two a week at my mom's lottery booth. I can just take an extra shift to compensate for the lower pay. I'm also planning to quit by summer to move up to red deer with my dad for July and August and work for his friend's irrigation company. That still needs to be arranged, but I'll call dad about it soon. So really, this is a matter of timing, and I'm thinking better sooner than later.

Now I shall make some hot dogs, clean up, and head to Worth on 17th Ave. to pick up some new clothes.

Except on all the good days.

Maybe I should just move out right now and head west without telling anyone. If I don't care anymore, it shouldn't matter how low I go.

No matter what I do, I feel it's all pointless. Maybe I do need counseling to trick myself into thinking I have a purpose.

To anyone reading this, no this is not a lapse. I see myself in this dismal gray reflection every damn day.

I don't care. I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care. I fail to see why I should give a fuck.

I've been thinking I should seek counseling, especially since my college offers it. But I have friends that'll listen and offer possible solutions. I don't know what to do.

I'm screwing myself over so bad this semester to the point of self sabotage.

My birthday's in 11 days and I don't have a single plan whatsoever. Not to mention I have a flipping test too.

Hello, blog. I trust that you have been well. I'm sorry I haven't been with you more often, but I've been having many a rendezvous with a loose hussy microblog that you may have met before. Her name is Twitter. We've been getting along well and many a blogging has been done on a hot winter night, but I digress. I just wanted to tell you that things are actually on the up and up, now. What with college happening again, and Women playing on friday night followed by an afterparty at the drummer's house (I'm actually friends with the whole band).

But enough of my scene point high score, I'm glad to tell you that I have become a more seasoned drinker, and avoided accusations of alcoholism at the same time. It leads me to think that an alcoholic is merely a drunkard who doesn't have enough drinking buddies on hand for a good time.

That's all for me to say really. I have to get up for class at 9:30, so I better hit the hay and list some Straight On 'Til Morning on the university radio. They're playing The Talking Heads right now blog, I know how much you love them. I'll see you again blog. Until then, read about my exploits with Twitter at this convenient spot right here. The exhibitionism should drive you mad.


P.S. no chatbots tonight, I love confusing people as you do but my heart is not in it tonight.

I like to think I can write whatever I want on here without having to worry that people of immediate proximity of me will read this.

I'm not in a good state of mind right now. I try to cheer myself up, but everything depresses me. How am I going to fix this? Maybe..."Shadow thought there was a lot to be said for bottling up emotions. If you did it long enough and deep enough, he suspected, pretty soon you wouldn't feel anything at all."

ninja edit: I'm actually feeling alright now. One good laugh later and everything is good. :)

I want to cry, but I can't. I want to make this post private, but I won't. I want to understand why I feel like garbage, but it's too convenient to blame it on the big bottle of beer. I want to understand why I'm not very sociable, but I don't understand myself. I want to say I'm special in my angst, but everyone has their problems. I want to say my problems are different, but they're not. I want to say my problems are a big deal, but they aren't. I want to say I know the solution, but I don't. I want to say I know how to help myself, but I don't. I want a do over. I want another drink....

There hasn't been much to report on lately. Classes have finished up for the semester, though. That's always a plus. Christmas buying is more or less done, even though I can't come up with gift ideas to save my life.

I spent my night at Tubby Dog eating delicious hot dogs, drinking beer, and jamming out to Ramones covers. I also got my picture taken. It was an awesome picture. And now I'm blogging while listening to every christmas song I've got, including the Ramones, Tom Waits, The Pogues, Atom and his Package, and The Vandals.

Tomorrow, I think I'll call up a guy I met a couple weeks back and see if he still wants to go shoot some pool and shoot the shit. If he does, great. If he doesn't, that's fine too. I only have 20 bucks to my name anyway.

As long as I've got mates, it doesn't matter really. Being Mr. Popular is for the birds.

There was a screening of Army of Darkness tonight, but I couldn't make it because I had to work. Chad VanGaalen had an album release show as well, but I couldn't make it because of work. 3 Inches of Blood is playing at the Warehouse, but I have to work. CJSW is having a fundraising drive bash at the end of it on Halloween, but I won't be able to go because of, you guessed it, work.

If it wasn't for the fact that I skip class at least a class a week, I would go nuts.

I'm getting $750 for my current laptop which will be funneled into an EeePC. The rest goes into a fund for a new desktop computer so I can still play TF2 and WoW if I can find a band of former Collectivites to play with.Or it goes into paying for a midrange Sager laptop. I haven't actually decided yet.

I've had it with Alienware. If they can't provide drivers for all of their hardware, I'm selling my laptop to a friend and getting a cheaper laptop or a new desktop.

Buy these headphones, a 32 gig ipod touch, and engrave it with "I make bad financial decisions."