HI I'm Daisy

Why did Laken suggest I draw in the spare moments in my time? I can't draw. I don't carry paper. I forget I even have pens half the time. The last thing I drew was a dungeon map, and that looked awful. It didn't translate well to the mat. What would I even draw? Would I do comics? Would become aother Harvey Pekar wannabe at 26 instead of 46? Would I think that just because I'm some schmuck who';s always down on himself, that I'm deserving of attention and praise?Would I be trying in my own little way of calling for help, but making it look like I'm not? Would I be trying to get jenny's attention? What am I gonna do about that loose thread anyway? It's been weeks, and I heard nothing. She's always doing shit, meanwhile, I ………………. What do I do?I bitch about my roommate, hide out at home. Work a cooking job I'm not sure I'm being treated frilly at anymore, I make plans, I don't follow up on those plans, I try to make plans to plan following my plans.I think I'm gonna do all this awesome shit, but then I get down over something, and all my money for personal projects gets drank away.Or I just flipping lose it somehow. Or mI lose it because beer is too alluring of an instant gratification. 333 x 4 = 12 + 120 +1200. 1332. After deductions is 1200. 1200 - 450 = 750. 750 - 513 = 237. 237 = How the hell am I gonna live on this? What the hell happened to 1600 a month? What happened to my plan? Did it go to the same place I put all my other plans? The perpetually growing to do pile of my life goals, that becomes a sentient organism, because I can't bring myself to make a continuous effort on my part? The work being insurmountable in my eyes?The general feeling that makes me shirk promotions because I don't want to take on the extra work, because I don't want to hurt myself doing it?

Today, it's been three years and three days since. I'm not really feeling despair, but I'm just kinda feeling dejected about it being so long.

Hey blog, 'sup? Not too much new here. Last weekend I took in a bit of poetry and book readings (all together good) and a concert by my buddy Clinton St. John (http://www.myspace.com/thecapemay except he was solo that night). Afterward, I snagged a couple bottles of beer and made my way to the Distillery while chatting up the bartender on the way. Other than that, I've just been reading, working, and playing the occasional game or two. Not to mention I acquired Crossover Games for my Mac through er... dubious ways, so that means I can game on Steam again if nothing else. There's a horror adventure game I'm interested in called Scratches that I'd like to get, so I just have to jump on a torrent for that one.

So I figure I should try to get together with one of my friends for Saturday or Sunday night, but when I look at my speed dial, I get the paranoid feeling that they don't really want to talk to me and will just say they can't make it. I'm pretty sure it's all in my head, and I might want to plan a little further ahead like I did last time. Me awkward? Naaaaahhhhhhh.

I guess I don't really thing as hard as I used to about what I post on the internet now. What with twitter and the facebook, I only put things down for one or two lines. I gotta wonder what'd happen if I actually full blown blogged more. I guess I'd file it away with my other resolutions like exercise more aside from biking. It really would be a good idea to get my creative juices flowing again after so long. I used to be chock full of ideas for blog posts, stories, etc. It's almost as if a piece of me has died.

Either way, I'm looking forward to sandal shopping, riding my bike around while sandal shopping, picking up tickets for Calgary Folk Fest(Kid Koala, Michal Franti & Spearhead, and Chad Van Gaalen are on the bill with many others. Joy!), and whatever else may come my way. It's either all that, or put in my application for CIS at Mount Royal (yes, I still need to do that).

Anyway, that's all I got. I'm gonna try to pay more attention to you, blog. I figure the writing will at least exercise my mind a little bit, and maybe I can start writing stories and songs again. Peace.

Here in Calgary, we have a little festival called Sled Island where bands from all over converge to play shows all over town. 2008 was a blast seeing such groups as Women, Basketball, Of Montreal, Azeda Booth, Fucked Up, Mogwai, Wire, and so forth. This year's line up is enormous, with 200 groups (http://www.sledisland.com/bands.html), as well as comedy shows, movies, and art exhibits. We've got Biz Markie, Andrew WK, Dieselboy, The Evaporators, SNFU, and so on this time around, and it's going to be a hell of a blast........is what I would be saying if it wasn't for the fact that my cousin's graduation in Saskatchewan is the same god damn week. I think I'm going to want to drink VERY HEAVILY in 2 weeks.

Well, first I overslept yet again and ended up and hour late for math class. After class ends, the date I had ended up being a no show because I didn't think to get the details hammered out with her yesterday. She isn't answering her phone, is likely very pissed at me, and so I had to leave a voicemail apologizing profusely and essentially begging that she'll still let me see her.

After a lunch of ramen (at home with a table for 1) and talking with my dad about potential jobs in Red Deer, I was browsing craigslist and monster for jobs other than gas station monkey and found the pickings to be kind of slim.

Left for work 10 minutes late, and still made it a half hour early. Shift went fine until between 10 and midnight when I had people coming nonstop and I couldn't close up the store. One plus though was that my cab came really quick on a friday night. To counter that with a minus though, the road to take the exit onto macleod trail and shoot straight to home was closed off due a crash with one car flipped over from what I saw. So we had to detour and my fare was an extra 7 dollars. Coincidentally, I also took out an extra 5 bucks for cab fare to get a ride down to the beer store. I had enough for fare and an 80 cent tip.

I don't know if this is karmic backlash, or the averages finally converged on the worse end of things, but I need whiskey and/or lots of beer.

It's been a while since I updated this, and I want to get this in one fell swoop instead of 5 twitter posts.

Spring Semester is starting on Monday. It's one class with 12 hours of class time a week, not including any extra time I spend in the math lab. I hope it'll work out better this time considering the Liberty Lounge won't be open on campus this time. Also, the Computer Science University Transfer program is being phased out. I'll have to go into CIS and modify my courses so I can still transfer to U of C for CS. Some days, I consider just taking another shot at Journalism, or even an English/Creative Writing degree. It wouldn't get me much and I'd probably have to go to grad school, but I know it's something I want to learn.

I'm considering quitting my gas station job so I don't have to work late nights on weekends anymore. I already take a shift or two a week at my mom's lottery booth. I can just take an extra shift to compensate for the lower pay. I'm also planning to quit by summer to move up to red deer with my dad for July and August and work for his friend's irrigation company. That still needs to be arranged, but I'll call dad about it soon. So really, this is a matter of timing, and I'm thinking better sooner than later.

Now I shall make some hot dogs, clean up, and head to Worth on 17th Ave. to pick up some new clothes.

Except on all the good days.

Maybe I should just move out right now and head west without telling anyone. If I don't care anymore, it shouldn't matter how low I go.

No matter what I do, I feel it's all pointless. Maybe I do need counseling to trick myself into thinking I have a purpose.

To anyone reading this, no this is not a lapse. I see myself in this dismal gray reflection every damn day.

I don't care. I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care. I fail to see why I should give a fuck.

I've been thinking I should seek counseling, especially since my college offers it. But I have friends that'll listen and offer possible solutions. I don't know what to do.

I'm screwing myself over so bad this semester to the point of self sabotage.