10/30/11 01:27 am - Free write. I don't know what else to do it.
Why did Laken suggest I draw in the spare moments in my time? I can't draw. I don't carry paper. I forget I even have pens half the time. The last thing I drew was a dungeon map, and that looked awful. It didn't translate well to the mat. What would I even draw? Would I do comics? Would become aother Harvey Pekar wannabe at 26 instead of 46? Would I think that just because I'm some schmuck who';s always down on himself, that I'm deserving of attention and praise?Would I be trying in my own little way of calling for help, but making it look like I'm not? Would I be trying to get jenny's attention? What am I gonna do about that loose thread anyway? It's been weeks, and I heard nothing. She's always doing shit, meanwhile, I ………………. What do I do?I bitch about my roommate, hide out at home. Work a cooking job I'm not sure I'm being treated frilly at anymore, I make plans, I don't follow up on those plans, I try to make plans to plan following my plans.I think I'm gonna do all this awesome shit, but then I get down over something, and all my money for personal projects gets drank away.Or I just flipping lose it somehow. Or mI lose it because beer is too alluring of an instant gratification. 333 x 4 = 12 + 120 +1200. 1332. After deductions is 1200. 1200 - 450 = 750. 750 - 513 = 237. 237 = How the hell am I gonna live on this? What the hell happened to 1600 a month? What happened to my plan? Did it go to the same place I put all my other plans? The perpetually growing to do pile of my life goals, that becomes a sentient organism, because I can't bring myself to make a continuous effort on my part? The work being insurmountable in my eyes?The general feeling that makes me shirk promotions because I don't want to take on the extra work, because I don't want to hurt myself doing it?